Frizen Foller.

[B]: Butt Plug.

Nate the Great. Ah, Nate. There's a reason he was given the nickname he was given. This wasn't just a nickname I deemed him either, this was a nickname deemed to him by approximately 25% of the female population at the college we went too. Nate was 6'2, solid solid solid muscle, blonde haired and blue eyed, had the whole full pout model lips thang goin' on and the Great. Oh. Oh. Whew. The Great was 13 inches long and whoa wide. I did indeed just shudder out of sheer delight and fond hot and spicy memories. For being so solid and masuline and testosteroney he was incredibly limber. Thank god I'd let my trainer at the gym convince me to do pilates and yoga, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd be in some sort of rehab program today. He liked it frontways and sideways and backways and longways. Shortways and moreways and floorways and in doorways. But he longed for the buttways. Que?

One night we were discussing sexual fantasies and he said he'd love to have anal sex. I was all like, What? The Great has never had the poop chute? He looked over at me with sad little puppy dog eyes and said that he'd been in a butt once for all of 2 maybe 3 minutes at the most. It was with the very first girl he'd ever had sex with. He said he'd turned her over to do some doggie and he uh thought he was choosing door number 1 but barged through door number 2 by accident. 13 inches in a virgin butthole with no lube my friends. Say it with me, OW. 

That's stuff you see in a porno not in a dorm room. I asked how he'd managed to stay in for those 2 - 3 minutes, and he said he'd mistaken her screams of pain for screams of pleasure. He wasn't the brightest of the bunch, poor thing. I'm sure he would've kept going if she hadn't screeched at the top of her lungs, You're fucking ripping my asshole apart, get the fuck out you jackass! I have a weakness for incredibly gorgeous men, with incredibly ginormous dicks, with incredibly blue eyes that can go all Puss in Boots on ya without warning, and the lips and the muscles. Oh the MUSCLES. Needless to say after hearing his story I made sure to give him exactly what he wanted. Yes. I led him upstairs, whipped out my newly purchased butt plug, which by the way was a total impulse purchase. Honestly though, could you resist purchasing a glow in the dark butt plug? I didn't think so. A nice large and in charge bottle of lube and after some minutes of pre-anal stretching, let the Great do his thang. Now I'm not bragging or anything because I know I'm not the BEST SEX on Earth, but the Great followed me around like a little puppy for ALL of his senior year and we, the Great, the plug and I had a GREAT fucking time.

I'm Sorry, What?

What did I do today? Well. Woke up in the morning and played with my clitty. Put my ass cheeks on the floor, come on pinch those titties.

If the porn industry ever decided to go mainstream with their music that song would so be a hit. I had a date tonight. It went -- uh what's a good word for horribly wrong? She was cute but not gorgeous, curvy and had an extremely whiney voice. Minnie Mouse had nothin' on this chick. And she kept checking her phone every 10 minutes. What made it even worse was she was checking her facebook because she wanted to see if her ex-girlfriend saw on her status that she was on a date with another girl because and I quote, she's so like over her, but she's so like not over me. At that point and time, which was about 20 minutes in, I was ready to potty poof. You know, Excuse me I have to go to the potty and then POOF.

Unfortunately I'm not that big of a bitch, and I was feeling guilty for even thinking of ditching out on this chick, so I sucked it up bad conversation and all. When it came time to order she ordered a water, 2 glasses of wine, a softdrink, a salad and soup, an entree and dessert ... I suppose I only have myself to blame since I clearly must have been giving off the I just got paid today vibe. Anyway, after dinner and dessert and coffee this chick is all like yawn how about we go back to my place? And I was actually thinking about it until I realized that she'd probably tape it, and then upload it onto facebook so that her ex-girlfriend could see it. I politely declined. I walked her to her car, opened the door for her and when she went in for the goodbye kiss I shook her hand instead. She called me a prude, slammed the door and sped off. I said, you're welcome to the back of her car. God help the next person she dates. Yeap.

Mars 1. Venus 0.

Monday Funday.

Who the hell am I kidding? Every day is a fun day when toys and sexual fantasies are involved. But because I don't want to make myself out to be this horny fucker who doesn't think about anything else but fucking and vaginas and dicks and dildos and butt plugs and facials and flavored lubes and threesomes and foursomes and double-pentrations and -- oh my. Who am I kidding? I am a horny fucker and I really don't think about anything else but all those delicious things. Speaking of which, would you excuse me please? I have to go and change my panties.

[Doo doo doo doo]

Where was I? Oh right -- every Monday Funday, I'm going to share my thoughts on a favorite sex toy or porn star or lubricant or sexcapade. Don't you do that already SJ? No my friends, Monday Funday is sexcapades from A to Z. That's right. I'm hoping this will help me really focus on a topic. ADHD is a good thing when you're participating in a sex marathon, but when it comes to every day life it's kind of debilitating.

[A]: Anal Sex.

The first time I had anal sex was actually the first time I ever had sex. The first time I had sex I was 17 and he was 27. But hey I mean in 10 years I'd be 27 and he'd only be 37 so I mean really, it's not that big of a difference. I suppose you're all thinking that I was way too young, but to be honest, I'd been thinking about getting laid ever since I was 15. So really I think I exhibited some self-control by waiting those 2 years. Well self-control and the fact that my little girl is really picky. Oh sure I'd done things but never uh let the ship dock at the station, if ya know what I mean. To this day, mind you I'm 26, my first time with my Orgasm Angel is in the top 5 of the best lays in my book of sexcapades. And as surprised as I'm sure you all are, I've got a pretty solid novel goin' on here.

And Myth Becomes Reality.

Welp Ladies and Gents. Yesterday the unimaginable happened. I made myself squirt [and] it wasn't just a teeney little squirt it was like fucking Niagara Falls Mother of All That is Holy squirts. I have never not been able to cum. Another fabulous Samantha once said, Hunnie. When I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come. But this was no ordinary party my friends. No. This was like going to the Oscars and getting one of those gift bags that's worth more than your life. Thank you Timmy Ho. And if he never calls again, I shall not only think of him fondly as an asshole, but as a demi-sex-god.

Fuck You Mother Nature.

Tim called me today. Tim? Tim Who? Oh. Tim. Right. The Tim who called me weeks ago, told me to call him, call him I did, answer he did not and then didn't call me again up until today. Well he called me and asked me if I would liek to hang out tomorrow. My first thought was to respond with, fuck off but then I really thought about it and realized, my little girl is in dire need of a good lay and Tim is just that.

So I said to myself, Sammy let's put aside all the girlie bullshit feelings of whatever and just "hang out" with him. I replied with a probably little too much of an enthusiastic, I'd love to fuck you tomorrow. He didn't say anything for about 2 minutes. I can't be sure if he was shocked at my knowing the purpose behind his call and the fact that I had the audacity to call him out on it, or if his brain wasn't functioning correctly due to the sudden lack of blood. Well, in the top head anyway.


BUT, now tomorrow is completely off. Why? Oh, well Mother Nature decided to be a cockblock and pop my period on me 3 days early. Fanfuckingtastic. Fucking twat. Pfft. She is so off the Christmas card list this year.