Cum Hither Bitch.

This is hysterical and unnecessary and yet I find myself kind of sort of maybe perhaps ever so slightly wanting one.

Balls.

I just spent over $100 on sex toys.

I think it's safe to say, I have a problem.

I think it's naughty to say, I don't fucking care.

If I want to fuck myself four ways from Sunday,

That's exactly what I'm going to fucking do.



Shit Balls.

It's 2012 already? 

Fuck where does the time go? 

So, apologies for my M-I-A uh ness are in order.

[INSERT PROFOUND APOLOGY]

I was a) in Europe for 3 months having sexual relations with Prince Harry .. b) Swamped with work after receiving a huge promotion as my company's new Associate VP .. c) Didn't have time to blog while on-set of my new porno .. d) Went on a huge bingefest of vodka and cocaine .. e) Couldn't blog because I was too busy participating in OCCUPY WALLSTREET .. f) Was in Africa partaking in DRs Without Borders .. g) Got married and just got back from my honeymoon .. h) Too busy setting up my new at-home sex site .. i) ALL OF THE ABOVE

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Cum. It's Been Over 2 Weeks Since My Last Orgasm.

I need to get laid.

I can't function. All I can think about is cock, balls deep and pussy.

I need to get laid.

Tempted to go to a bar and just find SOMEONE.

I need to get laid.

Only thing stopping me is that SOMEONE may or may not end up having X amount of STDs.

I need to get laid.

And then I'd be screwed in more ways than I'd like to be and would never be able to get laid ever again.

I need to get laid.

And that is just something I wouldn't be able to handle.

I need to get laid.

Seriously. I would probably have to be put in a mental institution.

I need to get laid.

And we all know I'd be that person dry humping the padded walls, chairs, staff and fake plants.

I need to get laid.

Sonofabitch cock fucker titty ass twat cunt fuck god damn shit balls.

I need to get laid.

Holy Mole-y.

Tara called me tonight. Just to say hi. Just to see what's been happening. Just to say she's lonely. Just to say she's horny. Just to say she wants to fuck. Just to say she misses the way I held her, kissed her, caressed her, licked her, fucked her. Just to say she still loves me. Just to say she wishes she was here. Just to say she hates Seattle. Just to say she can't stand it there. Just to say no one there understands her. Just to say the guy she broke up with me for isn't the Prince she thought he was. Just to say she thought she was straight but realizes now she's "totally gay". Just to say she wants to come back home. Just to say if I asked her too then she would --

All I could say was, Sorry kid. The conversation got really AWKWARD after that. A lot of sniffles on her end, a lot of bored uncomfortable sighs on mine.

But seriously, how does one respond to something like that? And not to toot my own horn or anything but really, it seems as of late some of my exes are now thinking I may have been "the one" and apparently also that I was a really great lay, which come on who are we kidding, I totally am. Toot. And are now contacting me and texting me and calling me and friend requesting me and -- is the world coming to an end? Are people afraid that 12-12-12 really is it and they want to be married before they die? SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THE DEAL.

But where as I've been put back on their potential list of "ones", they've already been marked on my "no fucking way in hell" list. So again all I can say is, Sorry kids.

If this had happened in my younger years, sure. Well, maybe. Quite possibly. I would've considered wanting to get back together, but those were the days I gave out second, third, even fourth chances. Now that I'm 27, you get one and only one and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I don't have time for bullshit and quite frankly I just don't have the patience.

Right There. Yeah. Right There.

[G]: G-spot.

The G-spot was named after Ernest Gräfenberg, the German (it's always a German when it comes to something naughty. Yah? Yah.) Gynocologist, whom discovered it while researching urethral stimulation. Though some argue it doesn't exist, they're usually the stiffs who don't deviate from missionary, it does indeed exist my friends. If you haven't been able to find it yet, don't despair. Just keep trying. It's in our nature to explore. Take Columbus for example. What if he'd just given up? Though I'm sure another Country would've come and claimed the New World, even though it was already claimed by the people who inhabited it -- but I digress. If Columbus would've given up, let's just ignore the part where he actually thought he was in Asia, Thanksgiving wouldn't exist. Thanksgiving and all of its wonderful goodies and treats. And if you give up on finding the G-spot, your lady is going to be one thankless person. How sad.

Yes. This is my Thanksgiving post. Dear God, Thank you for the G-spot and turkey. Amen.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now.

Note to Self: End date before it even begins if chick answers door wearing TEAM EDWARD t-shirt with matching zip-up hoodie.


Really end date if chick asks if you will take her to see Twilight movie because she's only seen it twice and wants to see it for a third time, mind you the movie has only been out for one day, because she feels like she missed out on some key parts because she was so OVERCOME WITH EMOTION and couldn't stop crying because it was just so darn sad when the one guy was all like upset over not being able to have the girl he wanted and the other girl who wanted the other guy but the other guy wanted the girl he was with and then the one guy who wanted the girl but she wanted the other guy ended up finding his soulmate and it was just so sweet and overwhelming -- she just couldn't focus.


REALLY REALLY end date when you find out that 'OVERCOME WITH EMOTION' means shaking and wailing hysterically and needing to be physically carried out of theater.

I'm going to find the chick who wrote these fucking books and sue her for pain and suffering and my now seriously damaged reputation. I can never go back to that theater EVER again.

And I will never date another Twilight fan for as long as I shall live.