Journey to Mars, Venus and Back.

Seeing as how I'm really at a point in my life that I just don't have any aspiration to settle down or be serious with anyone or anything, I feel as though perhaps I should take advantage of this while I can. I've decided that for the next 6 months or so, I'm going to date as many people as possible, both women and men and blog about the differences between the sexes, within the sexes and the plus and minuses of having sexes with the sexes. Yeah, I'm goin' balls out. Oh and vaginas too.

Thanks St. Anth, I Owe Ya.

So, I lost my cute little hot pink vibrator, and hadn't been able to find it ANYWHERE. I couldn't very well go call up my Mother and say, "Hey did I by any chance leave my vibrator at your house when I was there? I've been really horny lately and sometimes a hand just doesn't cut it." I checked my pillows, my bed spread, the closet, my sex toy drawer. Yes, I do indeed have a sex toy drawer. What resides in that drawer? A 12 inch flesh colored dildo, yeah I uh went black and never could fully go back, but I still got love for my white mens. Especially the firecrotches.

Mm, firecrotches. DROOL Actually, speaking from personal experience, all red heads seem to be blessed with really large cocks.

A tickler for my g-spot, however I have yet to have a mind-blowing orgasm with it, a vibrating blue dildo, which actually is broken. Cheap plastic. You know I have this theory about the sex toy industry, and how they found a way to implant some sort-of chip that is hardwired or something to break the shit after 2 months. Yeah that's why it broke. It had nothing to do with hours and hours of non-stop vigorous self-fucking. And then there's some massage oils, KY his and hers, which may very well cause a fantastical climax for people, but don't ask me, because I was too busy thinking my vagina was going to fall off because that shit fucking burned. Is it supposed to? Why do I still have it? I'm a glutton for punishment, and because if a fuckbuddy is pissing me off I like to rub it all over their balls and see them squeal. Yes. I was a dominatrix in a former life.

All the toys are buried underneath a green stuffed frog. Great camouflage, eh? I thought so. But yesterday, after moving my bed, because it dawned on me after a week of freezing my ass off, that my bed was blocking the heat vent ... Guess I didn't look hard enough because it was right in the corner under my bed. I actually came a little in my pants out of sheer excitement. Time for some wicked orgasms, oh yeah. Hope I don't get a serious case of vagina elbow from too much masturbation. HEY, it only happened once. I've since learned to take a break after 2 hours of continuous masturbation. So. There.

So It Seems.

I suppose it would be morally wrong to write that when I was 15, I wanted desperately to be a porn star.

Wait, before you go all self-righetously judgey on me let me just say that I had a damn good reason. I was making $5 an hour babysitting little stuck-up cunt children, and seriously what can you buy with 20 bucks? Save my money? Yeah right. You obviously don't know me at all. Well, okay so you really don't, but now you know that the word budget is nowhere in my dictionary of life. That 20 bucks was burnin' a whole in my hand. Yeah, it never even made it to my pocket. What on earth was I buying? Well like any dumbass diluted teen with a popstar infatuation; I was buying magazines, posters, videos, concert tickets, cd's of the Backstreet Boys and later NSYNC because I truly believed that if I showed what a dedicated fan I was I would end up marrying one of them. Yeah, I didn't even care if it was the ugly one, the gay one, the creepy old motherfucker with the braces, the other gay one ... whatever. If I couldn't get a hot one, I figured I'd be able to seduce them later. I was also buying candy cigarettes, because they made me look SUPER COOL.

Yeah, looking back I now realize I was an absolute fucking moron. I spent thousands of dollars on that shit. Dude, if I had just saved all that dough I'd have been able to pay off my student loans and buy a nice, non-foreign, non-gas guzzling, expensive car that wasn't a piece of ghetto ass crap. Don't get me wrong, I love my little piece of shit whip, except for the part where it rapes me of what little money I make in repairs, because heaven forbid any of the parts be made in AMERICA.

But I used to look through the ginormous pile of HUSTLER of one of the cunt kids' Dad's that I babysat had, and I would fantasize about being every man's wet dream. Yeah, even the disgusting fat ass truck driver. I wanted those redneck motherfuckers to idolize and worship me. I wanted to be able to own a HUMMER (pun not intended) by the time I was 16 and drive around liek a bad ass. I wanted to show all the twats and bastards in my class that I wasn't the loser they all made me out to be. NO, I was the fucking shit and they'd all realize that when they happened to come across their father's PORN stash and see me on the fucking COVER that I was indeed THE BOMB.

Ass From the Past.

Tim called me about a week ago, out of the clear blue sky. Infact, I actually didn't even have his number programmed in my phone anymore, nor did I recognize it when it popped up on the screen. I suppose that's a good thing, considering I knew that number so well I could call him even if I was in a coma. He was just calling to say, Hi, and wanted to know how I was doing and blah blah blah. He's doing fine and he and his Unit are getting sent to _____ in a few weeks and he doesn't know how long he'll be there and yes he is one of those people that just goes on and on and the only way to demonstrate such a fine character trait is to write it as a run-on sentence and he'd really like to see me before he goes away because he really really misses me and like he said before he doesn't know how --------.

DUDE, JUST SAY IT.

You want to get laid. Fine. Whatever. I'm game. To his credit I will say he is an amazing fuck. Two-thumbs way, way up.

But don't feed me some bullshit about how you actually care about me and miss me and all that other shit that you don't really mean. I'm not about to remove you from my major asshole shelf and put you back onto my well maybe he's not such a bad guy shelf. He was on my I want to marry this guy shelf, but lost that spot when he called me a fat whore and told me that he didn't want to date me anymore because he didn't want to date anyone and then proceeded to have five girlfriends right after. Oh, but he made room to fuck me in between each girlfriend, so I suppose I shouldn't feel to unwanted.

Will I meet up with him? Like I said before, fine. I'm game. I haven't gotten laid, if you don't count my glow in the dark vibrator, in about 2 months. And seeing as how he'll be leaving shortly, there's no real danger of me starting to fall for him again.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Right.

Woke up this morning to a text from Ang (518) I miss you. Yeah, I'm sure you do. I played your vagina liek a violin for hours, but you broke the rule babe and once you break the rule finis.

Rule? I have one rule when it comes to my partners and that is, if you want an open relationship, fine. I'm completely 100% open. Literally. All you have to do is tell me. But if you want a committed relationship, don't cheat on me. I think that's a pretty easy rule to follow. Don't you?

At first, Ang and I were just friends who occasionally made out with each other, and then we were friends who occasionally fucked, and then Ang and I started talking outside of the booty call hours and she started to want to do all of this girlfriend-girlfriend stuff. I told her I wasn't looking to be in a relationship and she said, a little too quickly now that I think about it, that it was fine with her and she could "deal". A few months into our "relationship" though, she gave me this ultimatum, either we commit to each other or she's leaving for good. First off, ultimatums are not sexy and they make the person look hm like a douchebag. Which is exactly what I told her, and then ugh she started crying. So of course, now I felt like a huge asshole and I didn't really know what to do. It wasn't the little sniffle sniffle crying, it was like the full-blown bereaved widow who's ready to jump into the casket sort-of wailing. She wouldn't stop. The only thing I could think of to get her to stop was to fuck her until she passed out. And, stupid me, I thought that after the multiple orgasms she had, I'd managed to fuck her retarded and she'd forget about it and everything would go back to just being chill. Nope. The minute she woke up she was on me like white on rice, Did you think about it?! What's your answer!? I need to know?!? NOW!

Now, I've been in this situation before, except I've been on Ang's end. Of course, this was way back when, when I actually wanted to be in a relationship and I actually believed in true love and all that other nonsense. So I thought to myself, first mistake right there - thinking - maybe this'll be different and maybe this could turn into something serious and maybe this will get her to shut the fuck up. So I said, "Okay" and for 6 months it was going pretty good. I didn't even mind that she was starting to leave ALL of her shit at my apartment, and basically just invading all of my personal space that I so much prided on having before. We were becoming pretty close. I wouldn't say I was in love but rather in like with Ang, and that is a pretty big step for me considering I vowed never to be in a relationship EVER AGAIN.

And then all of the sudden, just like the winds change right before a big storm, Ang started becoming all agitated at just about damn near everything, starting fights for no reason, and spending a lot of time with an old friend, Jen, from highschool, who was having a lot of trouble with her boyfriend. Texting her at all hours of the night, constantly being on the phone with her, ditching me to go and be with her and to tell you the truth I didn't mind. In relationships past I used to get jealous and scream and cry over the tiniest things, but a whole lot of good that didn't do me. After my umpteenth failed relationship I just was able to remove all that from myself. Don't ask how because I honestly have no idea. It just happened, one day I woke up and poof emotions gone. But even the unemotional have their limits, and my limit was Ang wanting to go and move in with Jen after her boyfriend dumped her, ironically right after Ang forgot to renew her lease on her apartment, because she was afraid Jen would hurt herself and she couldn't afford to keep the apartment by herself.

Yes. You can all see where this is going. And I guess you can all see just how dumb Ang thought I was.

I asked her flatout if she was cheating on me which lead to more wailing. If any of you have ever been cheated on and confronted the cheater about it, you've probably heard a variation of the following, "I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. [Insert Name] and I, we started out just as friends, and then it lead to something more. Honestly, we didn't start sleeping with each other until much later. You and I, we're just so different. I thought that our differences would be something that complemented each of us but ... We don't like ALL of the same things and we don't even have the same friends. I really didn't plan on this happening. I'm so sorry. It's me, it's all me. [Insert Name], loves me in a way that you don't and I don't think will ever be able too. I'm so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you. Please don't hate me. I'm so sorry."

I suppose I could've called her a slut and slapped her, or threw all of her shit out the window, or started screaming until my throat was hoarse, or started sobbing hysterically and doing all that other girly shit but I didn't. I just calmly asked her to take all of her shit and leave. As she was packing her things, more than half of which were things I had bought her because she couldn't afford to buy any of it, she kept mumbling over and over, "I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me." Truth of the matter is, if she'd just up and told me she was falling for someone else, I would've been really happy for her. And she was right, I couldn't love her the way that she wanted to be loved at the exact moment she wanted it, but I don't know about the not ever being able too part. And that part I mean in general because I used to be able to love anyone at the drop of a hat, which was basically my downfall in the end of every single one of those relationships. It's funny how you think you learn something from one failed relationship and you try and apply it to a new one, and it so ends up not applying to that relationship at all.

As soon as the door closed behind her, I changed the sheets, and went about moving everything over, closet, bathroom, etcetera. The next morning I woke up in the middle of the bed, and right then and there I knew I was going to be okay. It's not that I wasn't hurting, no matter how many times you get cheated on, it doesn't get any easier to get over. But I wasn't going to sink into that deep depression like I used to let myself get into after a relationship ended. Ang kept texting me (518) Are you okay? Do you hate me? I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Please don't tell everyone about this. Can we be friends? I just didn't answer. It's not that I was being bitter or trying to punish her, I just really had nothing to say.

Once you cheat on me, we're done. I want nothing to do with you. Now look, I'm no Angel and I'm fully willing to admit that. I have done things that would make a Priest throw up, but I have never ever cheated on someone. She stopped after about 3 weeks and I thought that she'd just given up, but then she texted me about a month after (518) Jen dumped me. She's in love with someone else. Now I know what you're all wondering. What was my response? I could've said (585) KARMA IS A BITCH. But I didn't. I didn't say anything actually and she didn't say anything after that. Up until last night I hadn't heard from her in about 4 months, and you know I really wish that we could go back to being friends because we had a great friendship, but I know it's not possible, because she'll want to be a couple again and I could never date her ever again. The trust is completely gone and no matter how many times she apologized or tried to prove herself I just wouldn't be able to believe her, and if there's no trust in a relationship there's no point in being in one.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Long, Long, Long Ago.

When I was younger I wanted to be a boy, a veterinarian, a movie star and a dog. Today I am older, not a boy, not a vet, not a movie star and not a dog. Ah well. My Mother always used to say, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. I always used to wonder about that because, honestly, if wishes were anything for beggars, wouldn't they be like booze, money and prostitutes? Horses? Come on. That's for like 4th grade girls who write notes and fold them into complicated boxes and triangles that a tomboy, such as myself, never received because girls had cooties and I certainly did not want those. It might also have been because I was such a huge loser no one wanted to waste 9 hours out of their life making me a triangle note. But I digress.

Girls to me aren't as icky as I thought they were way back when. Well atleast not icky enough to stop me from dating several. And seeing as how I'm now slightly grown up I think it's only proper that I start to use more adult language ... Girls aren't icky they're just severely fucking annoying.

I suppose if you really are one of those people who need to label me, I'm bisexual, but really I'd like to just think of myself as not picky and very open-minded. Girls. Boys. Vaginas. Penises. Pohtaytoe. Pohtahtoe. They both come with a ton of pettyness and needyness that involves you spending a lot of moneyness, demand a shitload of your time and energy and sanity and bring with them annoyingness and lyingness and cheatingness and all that other shitness. Hrm, now I'm starting see why I didn't get that job as a relationship advice columnist.

Don't get me wrong I've dated perfectly sweet and innocent people, but it's usually right after I dated perfectly horrible and evil people. So I'd be a bitch to the nice people because of the bad people, get dumped soon after because I was being a bitch to the nice people, then be all like boo hoo because the nice people dumped me. So then I'd change my ways and vow to be a nice person for forevahevah, let the bad people walk all over me and get dumped after the bad people completely used me, and then I'm a jaded bitch again and mean to the nice people. Yeah. This is the circle of life partners.

As of right now, I'm single and I wouldn't say I'm loving it but it certainly is freeing. I don't have to worry about pissing anyone off, hurting someone's feelings, I don't have to rush to lose the 10lbs I gained over a holiday bingefest, I can just be me. Sometimes I get lonely and really wish that I had someone, but at the same time I suppose I'm grateful for my sanity. So as of right now, sanity trumps loneliness.

And that's all I have to say about that.