Forgive Me Father, For I Have Cum. It's Been Over 2 Weeks Since My Last Orgasm.

I need to get laid.

I can't function. All I can think about is cock, balls deep and pussy.

I need to get laid.

Tempted to go to a bar and just find SOMEONE.

I need to get laid.

Only thing stopping me is that SOMEONE may or may not end up having X amount of STDs.

I need to get laid.

And then I'd be screwed in more ways than I'd like to be and would never be able to get laid ever again.

I need to get laid.

And that is just something I wouldn't be able to handle.

I need to get laid.

Seriously. I would probably have to be put in a mental institution.

I need to get laid.

And we all know I'd be that person dry humping the padded walls, chairs, staff and fake plants.

I need to get laid.

Sonofabitch cock fucker titty ass twat cunt fuck god damn shit balls.

I need to get laid.

Holy Mole-y.

Tara called me tonight. Just to say hi. Just to see what's been happening. Just to say she's lonely. Just to say she's horny. Just to say she wants to fuck. Just to say she misses the way I held her, kissed her, caressed her, licked her, fucked her. Just to say she still loves me. Just to say she wishes she was here. Just to say she hates Seattle. Just to say she can't stand it there. Just to say no one there understands her. Just to say the guy she broke up with me for isn't the Prince she thought he was. Just to say she thought she was straight but realizes now she's "totally gay". Just to say she wants to come back home. Just to say if I asked her too then she would --

All I could say was, Sorry kid. The conversation got really AWKWARD after that. A lot of sniffles on her end, a lot of bored uncomfortable sighs on mine.

But seriously, how does one respond to something like that? And not to toot my own horn or anything but really, it seems as of late some of my exes are now thinking I may have been "the one" and apparently also that I was a really great lay, which come on who are we kidding, I totally am. Toot. And are now contacting me and texting me and calling me and friend requesting me and -- is the world coming to an end? Are people afraid that 12-12-12 really is it and they want to be married before they die? SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THE DEAL.

But where as I've been put back on their potential list of "ones", they've already been marked on my "no fucking way in hell" list. So again all I can say is, Sorry kids.

If this had happened in my younger years, sure. Well, maybe. Quite possibly. I would've considered wanting to get back together, but those were the days I gave out second, third, even fourth chances. Now that I'm 27, you get one and only one and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I don't have time for bullshit and quite frankly I just don't have the patience.

Right There. Yeah. Right There.

[G]: G-spot.

The G-spot was named after Ernest Gräfenberg, the German (it's always a German when it comes to something naughty. Yah? Yah.) Gynocologist, whom discovered it while researching urethral stimulation. Though some argue it doesn't exist, they're usually the stiffs who don't deviate from missionary, it does indeed exist my friends. If you haven't been able to find it yet, don't despair. Just keep trying. It's in our nature to explore. Take Columbus for example. What if he'd just given up? Though I'm sure another Country would've come and claimed the New World, even though it was already claimed by the people who inhabited it -- but I digress. If Columbus would've given up, let's just ignore the part where he actually thought he was in Asia, Thanksgiving wouldn't exist. Thanksgiving and all of its wonderful goodies and treats. And if you give up on finding the G-spot, your lady is going to be one thankless person. How sad.

Yes. This is my Thanksgiving post. Dear God, Thank you for the G-spot and turkey. Amen.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now.

Note to Self: End date before it even begins if chick answers door wearing TEAM EDWARD t-shirt with matching zip-up hoodie.


Really end date if chick asks if you will take her to see Twilight movie because she's only seen it twice and wants to see it for a third time, mind you the movie has only been out for one day, because she feels like she missed out on some key parts because she was so OVERCOME WITH EMOTION and couldn't stop crying because it was just so darn sad when the one guy was all like upset over not being able to have the girl he wanted and the other girl who wanted the other guy but the other guy wanted the girl he was with and then the one guy who wanted the girl but she wanted the other guy ended up finding his soulmate and it was just so sweet and overwhelming -- she just couldn't focus.


REALLY REALLY end date when you find out that 'OVERCOME WITH EMOTION' means shaking and wailing hysterically and needing to be physically carried out of theater.

I'm going to find the chick who wrote these fucking books and sue her for pain and suffering and my now seriously damaged reputation. I can never go back to that theater EVER again.

And I will never date another Twilight fan for as long as I shall live.

Crikey!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Douze Mois Il y A

So for six months Jess and I got serious several times a day, almost every day. Minus the days he spent with his kids and minus the days my whoha needed a time-out. After those six months Jess and I sat down and discussed that besides just getting serious perhaps we should consider becoming serious.

Okay we didn't really sit down and discuss it, it was more liek in passing, Jess said to me, I think we should be more than just what we are. I didn't really have a response to that. Mainly because in passing was really while I was giving him a blow job and his cock was inside my mouth preventing me from answering at all. Which I was actually quite thankful for. 

The second time - a week later, Jess asked me while he was inside me. My legs were up on his shoulders, my knees kept slamming into my chest with every thrust, preventing me from being able to utter anything besides -- fuck. Each pump made my mind more and more foggy. It wasn't until I came that I had a minute to just think. Jess fell asleep on top of and was still inside me while I was having my little pow wow. FYI that is quite possibly one of the sexiest things a man has ever done to me. If you've never experienced something like that, please find a penis and experience it. REALLY. When he woke up, he woke up hard and he woke me up fucking me hard. After, he held me and told me he loved me and told me that he didn't want to continue on unless we were going to be a couple.

As reticent as I was to commit again, I knew I didn't want to lose Jess. I loved the way he made me feel, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. When we were out in public he would look at me as if no one else existed and like I was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen -- the way he held me and kissed me and spoke to me. I hadn't felt or been treated like that in a really long time and I concluded that even if it wouldn't be permanent, I knew it was something that I wanted and needed in that very moment. So I took the plunge. Completely ignoring and forgetting that the waters aren't always calm and one can only tread water for so long before finally succumbing to exhaustion and -- drowning.

Easy Does It.

[E]: Enhancer Ring.

You know the saying, It takes two to tango? Well, this is one of the reasons why I love a great enhancer ring. It lets both JACK and JILL play ... wink

Several years ago one of the exes put on a metal cock ring and -- yeah. I won't go into too much detail as I'm still scarred from the experience, I'll just say the night ended in the EMERGENCY ROOM.

So, needless to say when Tim first whipped out this enhancer, I was all like N - O. But then he showed me how easily he could remove it. That's one of the best things about rubber. If rubber had a middle name, it would be easy. Easy is as easy does bitches.

Anyway, after Tim enhanced me I profusely apologized to the enhancer itself for ever even thinking it would be anything but a good time. Now, anytime I see an enhancer I immediately get wet.

You only live once. You definitely want to make this toy a part of your once.

Dix-Huit Mois Il y A.

LaRhonda, my lovely piece of shit Honda, decided to break down on the side of the road in the middle of absofuckinglutely nowhere. She cost me $500. Tow+tip and then all the shit that needed to get fixed, a bunch of mechanical jargon I don't even want to nor care to remember how to say.

She did however get me acquainted with Jess the Tow Truck uh Guy. Jess and I may or may not have flirted the entire drive to my mechanics. And I may or may not have just happened to drop a piece of paper with my number on it right next to his phone. I also may or may not have hinted at wanting to have his cock inside me.

Jess texted me about 15 minutes after he'd dropped me off at the mechanics and he may or may not have also hinted that he also wanted his cock inside me. It took two days for Hank to fix my baby. As soon as she was all better I texted Jess and asked if he wanted to hang out. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie? For those of you unawares to 'guy speak', watch a movie translates to, would you like to fuck? I responded with a yes I would and headed over to his house. Call me what you will. I take fucking seriously and when I haven't been serious in awhile, and stumble upon someone who looks like they could take me very seriously, I fully accept the challenge.

When I arrived at Jess' we actually did watch a movie. His right-hand was down my pants and his left was up my shirt for 1/2 of it but we did watch a movie. After the movie was over he turned me around, as we'd been in the spooning position, and kissed me. His kiss was hard yet soft and full of passion and it confirmed that we were about to have a seriously good time.

Jess made me serious so many times I lost count. He also made me squirt so hard and so much, not only was his entire apartment drenched but I thought I was going to pass out from sheer dehydration along with being utterly exhausted from a 5-hour fuck session. On the way home, I had to stop and get some gatorade and a powerbar.

After that, he and I got serious every day before I went to work, after I got out of work, when he was working and it was slow and then on the weekends when he wasn't spending time with his kids. (Yeah I'll get to the latter later) Which would explain the UTI I developed not long after. What got me through all of that excruciating pain? The thought of being able to fuck him over and over again when the antibiotics were done cleansing my piss parts.

I can count on one-hand the number of men that I've fucked who have been able to immediately get hard again after cumming and Jess is definitely on that one-hand. The positions were numerous. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, missionary, +missionary, reverse missionary, seated missionary, knee to chest, doggie style, spoon, wheelbarrow, between the tits, anal, oral, 69, x-factor, pretzel,  spider, downward dog and other moves that have names that currently allude me. These were done up against the wall, on the floor, on the couch, over the couch, upside down, in the air, standing up, sitting down, on the bed, in the shower, in his car, his tow truck, random parking lot, park bench, public bathroom, fitting room, porch, stairwell and movie theater.

The amount of calories we must've burned ... 

I know. You're probably thinking I should enter into sex rehab or go to sex addicts anonymous. Truth of the matter is, I actually considered it. Only problem is that the reason I considered going was to meet other sex addicts and kick them off the proverbial celibacy wagon. Yes. I fully acknowledge the fact that I'm most likely the Spawn of Satan.

And that pretty much sums up dix-huit mois il y a.

My City is a Threat to the Rest.

So in my year-long+ absence a lot of crazyness has gone down. Now that things are getting back to being copasetic, I can get back to writing and fucking everything that moves. Well, okay I was already doing the latter, but the former ... I can really concentrate on again.

Instead of starting from the beginning, how about I start at the end and work my way back? This post will of course be severely abridged, as it would be 500 paragraphs long if it wasn't. 

Where I am now -- Single. 30lbs lighter. Longer hair; black-blue color. New apartment. New car. New job. New fish. 

Where I was 6 months ago -- Swingle. 15lbs lighter. Medium hair; light brown color with blonde highlights. Old apartment. Old car. New job. Dead fish.

Where I was 12 months ago -- Taken. 30lbs heavier. Short hair; dark brown color. Old apartment. Old car. Old job. Fish.

Where I was 18 months ago -- Slightly taken. 40lbs heavier. Medium hair; dark brown color with red highlights. Old apartment. Old car. Old job. New fish.

And that's what you missed. Exciting, I know. Don't worry. Much more to cum ... wink